


Understanding Love and More

by Everybody_Loves_Chocolate



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Acceptance, Alternate Universe, Asexual Character, Coming Out, Established Relationship, Friendship, Late Night Writing, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan-centric, Love, M/M, Questions, Some Plot, Talking, Understanding, idk what i did here, questioning the concept of love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:01:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26110807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Everybody_Loves_Chocolate/pseuds/Everybody_Loves_Chocolate
Summary: “Why is everybody so scared of love?” Donghyuck asked, not quite curious but wanting to know.Yangyang took a few deep breaths, as if preparing himself before answering, “We're not scared. It's just something important.”“Then why not say it as soon as you think it, I mean-”“Hyuck.” Yangyang grit his teeth but his eyes didn't leave the ceiling. Neither did Donghyuck's, though Yangyang's tone was bordering on threatening. “Some people use love as an excuse to harm others. They'll say they love you but in reality they're using you. The sooner you say it, the more people with think your feelings are artificial, not even real in the first place. We're not scared of love, we just know what it entails.”Or: Donghyuck doesn't understand why people are so scared to say they love each other so he hasn't told his boyfriend yet. He goes to Yangyang for answers. They're not quite easy to get.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 4
Kudos: 84





	Understanding Love and More

**Author's Note:**

> And another fic written after 10 pm in the span of less than an hour but I just had to. Honestly, I already forgot where the idea came from already but it sparked this anyways and I hope you enjoy. (Warning though; it's kind of a mess)

Donghyuck dated Mark for half a year before either of them even hinted at the word love. It's not that Donghyuck didn't love Mark since the beginning, he definitely did, but there seemed to be a barrier build around that word that made a lot of people afraid to say it for the first time. Love seemed unattainable for some people, too strong for others but for Donghyuck it was just another emotion like every other. Love wasn't special. You could fall in love and you could fall out of love just how you can come to like something as a kid and then dislike it a few years later.

But Donghyuck knew most people didn't think like that so he kept his thoughts to himself and only told Mark he liked him, never speaking of love. Mark was like a lot of other people in that he thought of love as something to treat differently. Donghyuck didn't judge, everyone could live their life how they wanted to and having different opinions in a relationship was as healthy as green tea. As long as they were expressed correctly.

It wasn't just the concept of love Donghyuck didn't quite understand so over the years Yangyang, who was younger than him but felt older at all times, had become his mentor in understanding others more. Donghyuck might still not agree with them but he could understand their concepts.

Before Mark, Donghyuck had never really thought of love in the first place. His family only consisted of him and his mom, no romantic love in sight. In movies people were always quick to say I love you and Donghyuck had picked up on that as being the norm. When he had said 'I love you' to a boy in middle school, who had given Donghyuck his leftover lunch, and had been looked at weirdly he'd asked his mom what was wrong with it. 

His mom had told him 'I love you' wasn't a phrase one could just throw around carelessly, let alone to a practical stranger, and Donghyuck had listened to her. He hadn't said I love you to anyone but his mom ever since and even then it had been sparse.

Six months into his and Mark's relationship and Donghyuck wondered when it was time to tell the other he loved him. 

Mark had made his stomach swirl warmly and his chest tighten with excitement at first. It had simmered down but it hadn't stopped, if anything, even more sensations had been added. Sometimes, when Donghyuck looked at Mark his throat felt like every good emotion just piled up in it and it was hard to speak. When Mark looked all soft with his glasses and oversized sweaters, Donghyuck felt nothing but utmost adoration, comfort, some sort of serenity, and simmering just beneath, love. And when Mark wore his tank tops and shorts and his hair was pushed out of his eyes those feelings didn't disappear, if anything they got hotter, sharper, accompanied by intense attraction and want.

Donghyuck didn't want to overstep the invisible boundaries, laid out in their relationship. It hadn't been okay to touch at first. Mark had been shy and said touch had been searing hot on his skin. Donghyuck still asked if he could touch him. When they kissed Mark was still tentative, like he wasn't telling Donghyuck something but didn't want to disappoint him. Donghyuck also asked if he could kiss him. 

So, to understand when the time was and how not to overwhelm Mark, Donghyuck paid Yangyang a surprise visit, slamming open his door and lying down on the ground. 

Yangyang didn't even flinch, merely got up from his bed and abandoned his phone in favour of lying down next to Donghyuck. When they had been younger that's how they had laid when Donghyuck had had a hard time understanding others and it had never changed.

Yangyang didn't talk first, he never did. He waited for Donghyuck to sort his thoughts, because he never did before barging into his room, and kept his usually loud mouth shut.

“When is it time to tell him I love him?” Donghyuck asked finally, without much preamble and Yangyang only hummed. In Yangyang's room the two of them had all the time of the world and they would take that time no matter the cost.

“That's for you to decide, not for me.” Yangyang settled on in the end, making Donghyuck scrunch his nose. The answer didn't help him in the slightest.

“I mean, is it appropriate, six months into a relationship or should I wait some more?”

“It's appropriate whenever you deem it to be. You can say it and Mark doesn't have to say it back but if he wants to he can say it too.”

This time, Donghyuck hummed, blindly searching for Yangyang's hand. During these kind of conversations they always kept their gazes locked on the ceiling. Donghyuck's hand brushed Yangyang's and their pinkies intertwined before Donghyuck asked, “Isn't it easy to talk about love?”

Yangyang's fingers flexed at his sides. He knew Donghyuck, he knew what his friend thought and he didn't know what exactly to answer. Still he said, “Sure.” Yangyang swallowed, for some reason scared to continue. “Between us, maybe. Because we're not in love.”

“But I love you.”

“It's not the same.”

After that, they were silent for a little while, trying to ease the inevitable tension. Whenever they didn't agree on something they wouldn't talk until their minds weren't running anymore.

“Why is everybody so scared of love?” Donghyuck asked, not quite curious but wanting to know.

Yangyang took a few deep breaths, as if preparing himself before answering, “We're not scared. It's just something important.”

“Then why not say it as soon as you think it, I mean-”

“Hyuck.” Yangyang grit his teeth but his eyes didn't leave the ceiling. Neither did Donghyuck's, though Yangyang's tone was bordering on threatening. “Some people use love as an excuse to harm others. They'll say they love you but in reality they're using you. The sooner you say it, the more people with think your feelings are artificial, not even real in the first place. We're not scared of love, we just know what it entails.”

Donghyuck furrowed his eyebrows, not quite understanding what Yangyang meant. Sure, hurting people by saying they loved them wasn't nice but real love wasn't like that.

“But love is warm. Love is good, knowing what it entails is knowing that it's good.”

“You're ignorant, Hyuck.”

Donghyuck sucked in a sharp breath and let go of Yangyang's pinky. Yangyang didn't try to take it back.

“Look,” Yangyang began, exhaling shakily. “Not everything about love is good. Sure, it's a nice feeling and most people enjoy being in love but it makes you vulnerable. When you love someone you'd do everything for them and don't notice anything wrong with it. Let's say Mark asked you to stop working and focus on your studies you'd do it right?”

Maybe. No, not maybe, Donghyuck knew for sure he would. He didn't say anything.

Yangyang continued, “And you'd think it's because he doesn't want you to overwork yourself but in reality he's trying to make you financially depend on him. Now, I know Mark would never do that but I'm not going to say others wouldn't.”

Their pinkies linked again, this time initiated by Yangyang. For that, Donghyuck was a bit grateful. He wasn't as good at reading people as Yangyang was.

“So yes, love is nice and warm and feels safe but it can be used against you. That's what makes most people scared. It also means commitment and for that, some aren't ready.”

Donghyuck nodded, finally taking his eyes off the ceiling, instead looking at Yangyang's side profile. The younger boy always looked so peaceful, sometimes all-knowing and Donghyuck couldn't help but feel grateful for him.

“Can I tell you, though?”

As Yangyang turned to face Donghyuck it occured to Donghyuck just how many questions he asked. The warm but kind of suffocating feeling in his chest expanded as Donghyuck and Yangyang's eyes locked.

Yangyang only nodded as an answer to Donghyuck's question and was promptly pulled into a hug. Donghyuck buried his face in the younger boy's hair, taking in his calming scent and aura and murmured, “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

  
Donghyuck had always just assumed he would be the one to say it first, considering their past but apparently he was wrong. The box of cupcakes Donghyuck had stolen from Yangyang was lying on the floor of his and Mark's shared kitchen as Donghyuck stared at his boyfriend with a slightly parted mouth. Mark's eyebrows were raised but there was a small smile on his lips.

“Sorry, did I shock you? You don't have to say it back, I promise,” Mark said, hands raised, gaze firmly trained on Donghyuck. Slowly, the younger boy shook his head, picking up the box from the ground.

“I- I love you too, I just-” After the conversation with Yangyang, Donghyuck had come to the conclusion that maybe Mark wasn't ready yet, what with his behaviour before their relationship and in the first month and even now. He had made the resolution not to tell him until next year. “I just thought, you wouldn't want me to tell you.”

Mark gave an unbelieving huff and shook his head, stepping closer to Donghyuck, taking the box out of his hands and putting it on the kitchen isle. Donghyuck held his breath, staring at Mark, unsure of what to do. When Mark's hand settled gently on Donghyuck's hips, he could breathe again.

“Why wouldn't I want you to tell me?”

“Because you're scared,” Donghyuck blurted out before he could help himself, staring at Mark with wide eyes. Mark only chuckled and lifted a hand to card it through Donghyuck's hair, eyes never leaving his face.

“I'm not scared, Hyuckie. Just cautious.” Make took a deep breath as his eyes flickered towards Donghyuck's lips. He leaned forward tentatively and gave Donghyuck a soft kiss, laced with not unusual uncertainty. Kisses shouldn't be uncertain.

Donghyuck pulled back slowly and watched as Mark's eyes fluttered open and his breathing quickened.

“Can I ask you something?” Donghyuck asked. Yangyang had said if he wanted to know something about Mark be should probably ask him himself since Yangyang may be smart, patient and understanding but he wasn't Mark. He couldn't tell Donghyuck what Mark was thinking so Donghyuck had to burden himself with asking his boyfriend directly. 

Mark nodded. His hands stayed on Donghyuck's hips but the touch got lighter, almost not even present anymore.

“Why do you kiss like that?”

“Kiss like what?”

“Like you don't want to.”

Mark inhaled sharply and took his hands off of Donghyuck like he had been burned. He took a few steps back and Donghyuck let him even though it hurt. There was something like genuine fear in Mark's eyes. Donghyuck didn't want to destroy their relationship.

“It's okay if you don't want to answer,” he said quickly, “I can forget it if you want me to.”

“No, it's okay,” Mark breathed as he shook his head and lifted a trembling hand to his chest. “I can- I can tell you.”

Donghyuck wanted to reach out and steady Mark. The older boy looked like he was going to faint any second and Donghyuck couldn't help but feel like it was his fault and like it could have been avoided if he'd just kept his mouth shut.

“Do you want to sit?” Donghyuck asked, instead of reaching out but Mark shook his head.

“No, it's okay,” he repeated before clearing his throat.

“It's- it's kind of important for you to know this but I was scared you'd leave me if you knew,” Mark started and again Donghyuck wanted to reach out, steady him. “My other, my other boyfriends left me or they ignored it and I liked you since the beginning so I was even willing to comply but you never forced me into anything. You didn't even try anything except for kissing me.”

Donghyuck didn't exactly know what Mark was talking about. Maybe Yangyang had meant this when he had said they knew what love entailed.

“Why would I force you into anything?”

Donghyuck couldn't hold the question but Mark didn't seem offended, no. He smiled sweetly at Donghyuck and gently took his hand. The older boy stepped closer to Donghyuck again and whispered, “I don't know why but I'm glad you didn't. Actually, the kisses...” Mark swallowed loudly but kept looking Donghyuck in the eyes. “I was scared they would lead to something more. I'm not... really made for something more.”

Donghyuck tilted his head, shaking it slightly.

“Made... for something more?”

Mark nodded and Donghyuck could practically see the tension slowly bleed out of him.

“I'm asexual, Hyuckie. I don't enjoy sex but I really don't mind kissing. I just don't want it to lead to something more but I don't want to disappoint you.”

“You'd never disappoint me,” Donghyuck firmly stated and Mark giggled. His nose scrunched up and he was quick to bury his face in Donghyuck's nape as he tried to muffle the sounds.

When Mark re-emerged, he looked happy, somewhat relieved. Donghyuck still didn't fully understand but he had survived the last six months of the relationship without sex, he could deal with a lot more. He told Mark as much and that got the elder to lean in and kiss Donghyuck firmly. 

This time, there was no hesitancy whatsoever. Donghyuck melted into Mark's arms and Mark gladly caught him.

“I love you,” he murmured into Donghyuck's mouth and Donghyuck mumbled back, “I love you too but if the cupcakes are damaged because of you we're breaking up.”

The cupcakes weren't damaged.


End file.
